Episode 27: What I Ask Every Sleepless Woman Before I Look at Her Bedtime Routine

What I Ask Every Sleepless Woman Before I Look at Her Bedtime Routine

You bought the magnesium.

And not the cheap stuff either. You bought the good magnesium. 😂

You’ve tried melatonin. Lavender spray. White noise. Chamomile tea. Sleep meditations.

Your bedroom is cool. Your phone is down. You cut back on wine.

And yet…

3AM: 👁️👁️

Wide awake.

Your body is exhausted, but your brain has apparently clocked in for its shift.

When women come to me after trying all the things and still struggling with sleep, I don't start by asking about their bedtime routine.

I ask them something completely different:

How does your body feel during the day?

What Does Your Body Feel Like at 2PM?

I'm not asking how you feel during an argument.

Or during a stressful meeting.

Or while you're running late and somebody in front of you has decided to drive 12 mph. 😩

I mean on a regular Tuesday afternoon.

What's happening inside your body when nothing particularly stressful is happening?

This question often gets a pause.

And eventually I hear something like:

Tense.

A little on edge.

Like I'm always waiting for something.

Fine…but never completely settled.

That's what I want to know.

Because if your body doesn't know how to come down during the day, we can't only look at what's happening at bedtime.

Sleep May Be the Symptom

Most sleep advice focuses on sleep itself.

And understandably so.

Can't sleep? Let's improve your sleep environment.

Dim the lights.

Put away your phone.

Make the room cooler.

Take the supplement.

Create a routine.

Those things can absolutely support good sleep.

But they don't necessarily answer another important question:

Why is your body still alert when nothing is actually happening?

Your nervous system is designed to activate when it perceives stress.

That activation isn't bad.

You need it.

The issue is when activation stops being something your body moves into when necessary and starts becoming your everyday baseline.

After a while, you might not even recognize it as stress anymore.

It just feels like…you.

Your Body Doesn't Suddenly Become a Different Body at Bedtime

This is the piece I think gets missed.

You can spend the entire day rushing, thinking, solving, worrying, caregiving, working and pushing…

…and then expect your body to go:

Oh, it's 10PM? Cool. We're completely relaxed now.

Bestie. 😂

Your nervous system doesn't work on a light switch.

The state you're carrying throughout the day matters.

So when you lie down in your perfectly dark bedroom with your magnesium already taken, your external environment may be calm…

while internally, your body is still on watch.

Then sleep naturally becomes lighter during the night and your body begins moving toward morning.

And there you are.

Awake.

Your Sleep Problem May Start Long Before Bedtime

This is why I don't only want to know what you're doing at 10PM.

I want to know what's happening at 2PM.

Are you holding your breath while answering emails?

Are your shoulders practically earrings?

Are you running from one thing to another all day?

When do you actually recover?

Can your body shift gears after stress passes—or does some level of activation stay with you all day?

Those answers tell me something your bedtime routine can't.

This Doesn't Mean "Do More Yoga"

Now, obviously, I'm a yoga teacher.

But a nervous-system-first approach isn't:

Just do yoga because yoga is relaxing.

And it isn't adding breathwork to an already ridiculous wellness checklist either.

It's learning how to intentionally give your body opportunities to move between states.

Sometimes you need activation.

Sometimes you need recovery.

The goal isn't to stay calm 24/7. The goal is having a nervous system flexible enough to move into activation when life requires it and come back toward rest when the stressful moment is over.

That’s why awareness, breath, environment, nutrition, movement, sleep, and mindfulness can all become part of the larger picture rather than isolated wellness habits.

Look at Your Day Before You Blame Your Night

If you've tried every sleep hack and you're still waking up exhausted, don't immediately assume you need another bedtime strategy.

Zoom out.

Pay attention to how your body feels tomorrow afternoon.

Not just what you're thinking.

What does your body feel like?

Tense?

Restless?

Heavy?

Braced?

Settled?

Notice it without immediately trying to fix anything.

Because sometimes the first step toward understanding what's happening at 3AM is finally noticing what's been happening at 2PM all along.